Wearing the Hijab

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Many of us know someone who wears a hijab, and perhaps some of you are wearing one right now. Personally, I wear mine every Tuesday at the, “Muslim singles meet and greet” which is when Billal becomes “Billaliya.” I know it’s wrong, but if you can find a better way of getting a free brunch, I would like to hear it. The last time I was there this Pakistani guy nearly got to third base with me under the table. Don’t worry, Islamic third base is just holding hands… while averting your gaze! I’m not going to lie, it was worse than watching a feminist Muslim comedian at open-mic night, “so, like it’s called the HE- jab, but shouldn’t it be the SHE-jab instead, what’s up with that?” Anyway! Weird, cross-dressing, SINGLE, South Asian guys aside, let’s examine the issue.

Hijab= Head Scarf
Niqab= Head Scarf + Veil “The Ninja”
Burqa= Full covering sheet “The Ghost Buster”

Muslim women and girls dress conservatively and wear the hijab in order to be judged by their intelligence and character rather than their overt beauty. Now I’m not a big time fancy lawyer or nothin’ (yet), but from this observation I feel that we can safely infer  the more a halal-honey gots’ her cloth game goin on, the hotter she be. It’s sort of like the opposite of “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” For example, that gal in the hijab probably looks like a filthy mess compared to the girl in the niqab, and don’t even get me started on those burqa babes. You can just picture the scene now, the new girl walks into class with her burqa while all the jealous girls wearing their hijabs taunt her, “OH, look who thinks she all that!” , “Girl I bet you ain’t even got nothing to be modest about”, “OH MY GOD is that a white burqa after Labor Day? Someone call the fashion homeland security, we have a breach.” That may have sounded a bit offensive, but in no way am I making fun of the women who wear the Burqa. In fact just last week my Mom started wearing a plain white burqa. I didn’t come out of my room for 3 days because I thought the place was haunted; who ya gonna call!? Incidentally, she also scared the crap out of our new black neighbors. Apparently her new look was a bit KKK-ish what with it being a plain white sheet, that…and she was also holding a flaming cross. She’s quirky. God, I miss the days when she used to wear her red burqa, but she got tired of that one guy at the mosque yelling “KOOL AID” every time she walked in. Well hey, you can’t argue with the Imam.

In the world of athletics, Ruqaya Al Ghasara became the first woman ever to take part in the Olympics while wearing the hijab. I would post a link to the original article, but I rather you read my summary than that of a biased western news papers. Ruqaya had an EXPLOSIVE start as she SHOT out of the gate. She started slow, but then came up quick GUNNING her opponents down one by one. Tonight was her night, and she would not BOMB. She ANNIHALTED her targets, and found her way to PARADISE. It was a real SUICIDE MISSION and took ALLAH-t of work. Her old school teacher MISS. OJENY was very proud. YEAH! And that’s still more subtle than Fox News. Additionally, on the day of the race her fellow athletes commented that it was very unfair they had to run against a real life ninja.

In actual news not only has France banned the hijab in the classroom, they’ve also banned the burqini at the beach. You read right, the burqini is like the hijab of the sea, the “Aqua hijab” as I call it. It’s for that special Muslim woman who wants to maintain her modesty even when she’s not on land. Personally, I think New Era should start making sports related hijabs. My friend Farah actually wears a Jays cap over her hijab at baseball games. However, she refuses to wear a winter hat over her hijab when it’s cold outside because, “that would look stupid”. Anyway, back to the story. Muslim activists protested the move to ban the burqini, but the French government did not surrender, which was a first. Usually Pierre raises the white flag faster than you can say “Bonjour.” The reason the French government cited for the ban was that the burqini is “unhygienic.” Hmmm, you mean sort of like not wearing deodorant, or not bathing, or constantly smelling of garlic? Haha. Of course I kid the French, I have a great deal of respect for those cheese eating surrender monkeys.

The French aside, I hope you got something out of reading this article. Over the last few years the hijab has become a politicized issue, and many people who wear the hijab (including a lot of South Asians) take the brunt of the criticism. People who wear hijabs are just like me and you albeit with a superior moral compass. My point is that it’s ok to be curious, and it’s ok to ask them questions about the hijab; there’s really no better way of learning. And for all of you who wear the hijab and were offended by my words, I advise you to loosen up….the hijab that is, you probably have it on to tight.

Twitter: iambillal

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