Animals, Sex, and Lost Love
Personally speaking, I love Panda Bears; the animal, and not the euphemism for a large, hairy, Asian homosexual. However, it seems despite all human effort, Pandas are still on the endangered species list. Zookeepers are now showing Pandas videos of other Pandas having sex in order to increase mating. Paris Hilton complained saying that showing Pandas S&M porn was wrong. That was until someone later pointed out to Paris that Pandas usually have black eyes. That aside, it seems that Panda porn isn’t working, and I think I know why. Firstly, if this porn ends like most porn’s do then it’s not exactly going to aid in copulation. All you’re going to end up with is a sick new fetish called, “bamboo shots.” Secondly, you’ve made that poor Panda feel self-conscious. He’s probably thinking, “Wow, I wish I had one like that. Dude is hung like a black…bear.” Lastly, how on Earth do you expect the Pandas to imitate what they’ve just seen on screen? Do you know how hard it is to spontaneously role-play a dirty doctor and naughty nurse theme? Not to mention finding costumes in their size.
An interesting fact about tigers is that they stock their pray and only attack from behind. That’s right, that beautiful tiger just stabs them right in the back even though they’ve been together for two whole years. THAT TIGER JUST SLEEPS WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AFTER ALL YOU’VE DONE FOR HER. MY ASS YOU WERE AT THE TEMPLE! YOU WERE ON YOUR KNEES FOR A DIFFERENT REASON. YOU’RE A WHORE ANISHA AND I HATE YOU! Sorry, I think I may have been projecting some of my own feelings there— anyway back to the tiger. Sadly, tiger numbers are falling dramatically due to the destruction of their environment and poaching. These noble animals are slaughtered only to be used in really awesome jackets you can get online and as aphrodisiacs for Japanese business men. Personally, I haven’t been a fan of the Bengal Tiger ever since my uncle Shamesh was killed by one at a zoo in Toronto. It was ironic because that was one of his top five reasons for leaving Bangladesh.
Finally! The King Cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world and it’s native to India. Many may not know this, but there is a difference between venom and poison. Venom is used when an animal attacks so it’s usually injected. Poison, however, is used as a defense mechanism and is either eaten or absorbed by the attacker. I don’t have a punch line for that yet. I just thought it was interesting. Keep in mind Tiger Woods is not a tiger. He’s actually a snake just like Hardpeed! HOW COULD YOU HARDEEP! YOU TOLD ME YOU AND ANISHA WERE JUST PRACTICING WRESTLING MOVES! I CAN’T BELIEVE I BOUGHT THAT EXCUSE!
As I sit here on my Panda thrown wearing my tiger cape, worshiping my solid ivory statue of the devil, I feel the need to be moral. I realize there are a lot of bad things happening in the world to human beings, but you can do small things to help animals. You may ask, “Why the fuck should I care Billal.” Well firstly, there’s no need to swear. Secondly, when you buy items made from endangered animals understand that they are killed in the most inhumane ways. On top of that, you are indirectly strengthening the illegal poaching industry at the cost of hurting positive initiatives designed to help impoverished nations. So just pick the easy option and stop wearing real fur. At any rate it looks tacky.
Dedicated to Anisha: PLEASE TAKE ME BACK BABY! I’M
STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU!