Shang and the Fighting Bench
General Shang was China’s greatest solider living solider, this dude was awesome. Many know of Shang and his victory over China’s’ greatest enemies, air pollution, and upcoming Olympic debt. However, by far, the greatest story of Shang is that of his famous fighting bench.
As the commissioner of the Chinese Royal Military, General Shang was asked to escort the Princess on a voyage to the “Land of Peace”, known formally as Canada. He was to take Princess Wen to the Palace of the Canadian King, who was rumored to be a blue robot.
Shang’s ship docked at the port of St. George. He walked the Princess into the Canadian Kings palace, known as the “West End YMCA” Shang found the people inside the building to be most peculiar. Many of them were lifting very heavy objects, and yet not moving them to a different location. Furthermore, many of them asked for Shang to “watch them flex.” Shang was perplexed by their strange lingo—”Push it baby! Master your ass max! Reach for the top”– Bothered by this strange behavior, Shang decided to wait outside and sat on a bench.
Most suddenly and abruptly as Shang was relaxing on his bench, a Samurai worrier leapt into the air and came flying down with his sword. Shang quickly moved out of the way, and the Samurai’s blade collided with the metal handle of the bench. The vibration from the sword sent a shock wave through he samurai’s heart, which soon exploded with pain. Shang surveyed him with distaste as he knew the warrior had come to kill the Princess. Shang whispered in samurai’s ear “don’t u just “heart” when that happens.” As with many people reading this story, the samurai warrior did not get the joke, and died confused, and vibrating.
From that moment Shangs victory spread across the great lands, and his reputation as warrior developed. However, Shang knew he did not deserve the reputation; it had been the bench that killed the Samurai, not himself. It soon donned on Shang that this was not any ordinary bench, it was clearly an ancient, powerful and magical bench. It had the power to turn anyone who sat on it into a great warrior. Upon this realization Shang knew he must take the bench back to China and stop the invading Mongolians.
Shang strapped the bench to his neck, jumped into the Pacific Ocean and swam back to China. The pain was unbearable, as Shang constantly gave screams of pain, “HOLY EFING CRAP, ITS SO HEAVY, WHY AM I DOING THIS. THIS IS VERY, VERY UNNECESSARY” Shang eventually made it back to his homeland, while the princess traveled by her royal fairy; literally this thing had wings and junk.
Upon reaching the port, Shang realized he was surrounded by a Mongolian platoon of 6000 men. However Shang didn’t care; he quickly withdrew the bench. The Mongolians stopped and surveyed him for a moment, and then quickly burst into laughter. Shang was laughing too, because they were clearly ignorant to the horors he would inflict upon them. Shang dived into the army, waving the bench wildly. Ten minutes later every Mongolian solider laid dead, most of whom were still walking not realizing they were in fact dead, or very possibly they were unharmed and alive.
Shang broke his way into the Emperors castle where he instinctively knew he was being kept hostage. He quickly ran through the castle killing every Mongolian warrior with his mighty bench, and freed the emperor. A national holiday was declared for Shang, as he had defeated the entire Mongolian army single handedly. As years passed, Shangs name spread through out the land as the greatest warrior to ever live. He and his bench became legendary.
Fifty years later as Shang had now retired, he was approached by a familiar Samurai warrior. The Samurai said, “remember me Shang, you broke my heart”. Shang instantly remembered him as the first man he killed and wondered how he was still alive. As though the Samurai had read his mind, he said, “Shang, you never killed me, it was icy and I slipped, and then you walked of with a fricken bench! And I was all like WTF” It then donned on Shang that the bench had no magical properties, it never did. He realized then what most people never learn their entire lives, and that is, when you destroy the enemy of self doubt in your heart, you can accomplish anything. Shang whispered to himself, “A fighting bench…how could I have been such a fool.” He then closed his eyes and slipped peacefully into the night… leaving his bench behind.
By Billal (@age 16)