Nicknaming Your Girlfriend
I’ll be honest with you, I can’t stand it when couples give each other cute nicknames. They’re almost always awkward and embarrassing, and when I say “awkward and embarrassing” I mean for the people AROUND the couple. The other day I was playing the third wheel, having lunch with my friend and his girlfriend. I kid you not, their nicknames for each other are “Luvy-Wuvy” for him, and “Snugly-Bear” for her. After hearing both those names repeated over, and over, and over again, I wanted to throw-up in my mouthy-wouthy, and then toss the pair of them of a cliffy-wiffy. I was so appalled by their offensively cute nicknames that I felt it was my civic duty to slap them both in the face…in unison. It had to be in unison, they can’t stand doing anything apart.
When thinking of a nickname for your significant other, there tend to be more rules for nicknaming a girl rather than a guy. For example, whatever nickname you choose, it can’t be large, heavy, aggressive or overtly sexual. Although coincidentally, “large, heavy, aggressive and overtly sexual” are the traits I find most appealing in a woman. Those traits also happen to be the names of the rejected dwarfs in Snow White, along with Staby, Rapy, and Drunky. Anyway, the following nicknames may be considered “inappropriate” for the reasons vaguely outlined above:
- Tits McGee
- Big Daddy Diesel
- Dirty Sanchez
- Thug Crusher
- The Castrator
- BIG DOG! [A WOOOF!]
- Yukon Cornelius
Following my logic, the worst possible nickname to give a girlfriend would be, “The giant, laser, death vagina of infinite doom.” A preferred or typical nickname for a girlfriend is usually something that is small, cute, sweet (literally), and possibly rhyming or ending with the letter “y.” Some spices such as cinnamon may also work as a nickname, however basil, and oregano are out of the question. Furthermore, when using a “sweet” nickname make sure to choose a well established sweetness, such as sugar or honey. New sweeteners such aspartame and splenda may not have the same appeal. Although, if your girlfriend is Pamela Anderson, artificial may be the way to go.
But, at the end of the day, I say we let the love birds keep their nicknames. I mean really, what’s the point of being in love if you can’t piss off and nauseate the people around you just a little bit?