Doctor Billal On Health

Dr. Billal Ali M.D  Ph.D JD LLB MVP WTF LOL BSc.

(Note that the LLB is equivalent to the JD while the BSc is equivalent to the LOL)

Good evening mortals and fellow Doctors,

I am here today to discuss and answer questions that pertain to the field of health and nutrition: What is the healthiest food? Is the Tomato a fruit or a vegetable? And is there anything in this world that DOESN’T give you cancer? I can assure you that I am entirely qualified to give this lecture. If evidence were needed, notice how I am wearing a white lab coat or as it is known in Mexico, a “science poncho.” I realize that the words I’m using maybe difficult for some of you muggles to understand, and so I have purposely tried to incorporate the vernacular of the common man into my speech. With that said, letz begin. The Diz-okter is in the hiz-ouse.

Zarah asks: Are Salads a healthy meal?

First of all Zarah, you have a foreign sounding Arabic name which makes me think you’re dangerous. Secondly, no, salads are not a healthy meal. Why you may ask? Because no one knows how to eat a salad! The correct way to eat a salad is on top of a burger; a few bits a lettuce should do. If you don’t have any lettuce you may want to use ketchup as a substitute. Remember, ketchup comes from tomatoes which is  vegetableish, and therefore ketchup is practically salad. It definitely counts toward your five a day along with fruit roll ups, Skittles and Kool-Aid.

John asks: I’m lactose in intolerant, what substitute(s) should I use?

Well I’m sorry John, but your intolerance of lactose makes me sick. There is nothing wrong with lactose; in fact I’m proud to say that some of my best friends are lactose. The president is lactose for god sakes. And while in college I dated a girl who was lactose— and believe me, once you go lactose you don’t go back…tose. I suggest you do some soul searching John, and take a good hard look in the mirror. Also using soy or almond milk may help.

Steven: My girlfriend is getting fat, what should I do?

Send her this way son. I dig a girl with a little junk in the trunk. I know this great aerobics work-out I can do with her. We just dance horizontally between the sheets all night long! By the time I’m done with her she’ll have burned off NUFF’ calories. Wat up!

Chang asks: Is the Tomato a fruit or a vegetable?

The tomato is a vegetable. Think about it. Would you ever put a tomato in a fruit salad? No, because you are neither eccentric nor vaguely Italian. Biologically yes the tomato was born a fruit. But, it was the vegetables who raised the tomato. It was the vegetables who mingled with the tomato and made it feel like it belonged. The fruits abandoned the tomato, and frankly they don’t deserve to have it back. They’re just pissed the tomato is doing fine without them.

“How do yall like me now you sweet ass tasting mother fuckers.”

-The Tomato. This quote was taken from his autobiography, “Deeper than Flesh: My Secret Life as a Self-Hating Fruit”

If you have any questions you would like Dr. Billal to answer you can reach him on Twitter at @iambillal

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