Skinny Jeans And TNA Pants
Skinny jeans are meant for guys with skinny genes. Although, my Uncle Yusuf would disagree. He would say that they’re meant for women and, “men who enjoy going to certain types of bars.” Personally, I don’t have a problem with skinny jeans; I have a problem with SUPER skinny jeans.
The other day I was on the subway when I spotted a guy who was wearing the skinniest of skinny jeans. No lie, when he walked I could actually hear the material between his thighs rubbing together, “…squeak…squeak…squeak.” If I was to create a unit to quantify my disgust it would have to be “L-vmt” or litres of vomit as it shall hence forth be known. At present the English language lacks the vocabulary necessary to express the way I felt, and thus I was also forced to invent the words, “fucktrocious” and “pukeifying”. Alrite, maybe I’m going a little overboard. The point is the situation ranked at 6 L-vmt.
So, I’m sitting at my seat, and I hear the squeak, squeak, squeak getting closer. Of course, he sits across from me. He doesn’t even bother crossing his legs. In fact he had them spread wide open. Obviously now he’s trying to act ultra masculine to balance out the pants. Honestly, the only masculine behaviour that could EVER balance out wearing pants that tight would be the following: having a threesome with Christina Hendriks AND Katy Perry…in a hardware store…while building a shelf…simultaneously beating up Chuck Norris with your fists and Brock Lesnar with your legs. ONLY THEN MAY YOU WEAR THOSE PANTS!
The guy notices me staring, and so HE decides to give ME a dirty look! Come on! We both know where you got those pants and it sure as hell wasn’t the mens department! Anyway, this guy ends up getting off the train one stop before me. As he gets up and turns around I notice a small logo on the waist of his pants. I was a logo I guarantee any guy would recognize: that silver TNA flower thing. Now at this point in time, I, along with all men have been classically conditioned to associate that logo with…and let’s keep this polite…a pretty lady(well a certain part of her at least). In fact, the other day my friend told me that he’s been so classically conditioned by that logo, that he can, and I quote, “get hard just by drawing it”.
Now, I didn’t say a single word to that guy on the train. Obviously, everyone is free to wear whatever they want. ALSO, he probably doesn’t know that those pants are lowering his sperm count. GOOD! That’s a clear sign nature doesn’t want him to reproduce. Now he can’t pass on his skinny genes…or his skinny jeans to the next generation.