My Wedding

For the most part, guys don’t think about what their future wedding is going to be like. Well, I’m a little different. In fact, I’ve planned what some might call the perfect wedding

1. In most movies doves are traditionally released at the end of the ceremony. At my wedding I want to release bright RED parrots… and one wet dog. Also, before I release these parrots I want to teach them how to swear in 4 different languages; I’m a great believer in diversity.

2. Weddings are NOT cheap, and so to save money I will have the whole thing sponsored by Pepsi and KFC. Anyone who wants to make a speech will have to incorporate product placement into their story. Even the person marrying us will be required to say things like, “May this marriage be as cool, refreshing, and delicious as this fine Pepsi-cola beverage.” And “Is there anyone here who has any reason why KFC isn’t the number one fried chicken in North America…And also why these 2 shouldn’t be married?

3. There will be NO paper invitations! Do you know how much that costs?! We will be inviting people using our swearing red parrots as carrier pigeons. Think about it! We don’t even need to tie a message to their legs; we just tell them what to say, and they repeat the message to the receiver. Also, to make sure the parrots don’t stray from their task, we will pray and make sacrifices of grain to the ancient Egyptian God, Horus.

“OH HORUS! Lord of the desert sky and eternal blazing sun! Make sure my foul mouthed fowl obey my commands! And if not smite them so that they maybe used by KFC…which I’m sure you would agree is finger licking good. Amen”

Or, on second thought, I guess we could just use the phone or email. No Biggie.

5. I want my bride to invite her craziest, most obsessive, jealous ex-boyfriend just so he interrupts the ceremony right when we’re going to about things official. I’m not sure why I want this; I guess I’m just a sucker for clichés.

“Although I have no quarrel with the delicious and affordable taste of KFC, I can’t let the woman I love marry this man! Also, and I don’t want to ruin my moment here, but where did you get that tuxedo-snowsuit?”

6. I want the wedding to be outdoors mainly because I have the parrot’s safety in mind. Also, it will NOT be in the summer. I want it to be in the winter, on the coldest day possible! Why? Because rain on your wedding is sad, but snow is AWESOME! I know what you’re thinking; won’t I be cold? One word, tuxedo-snowsuit.

7. There will no throwing of the bouquet of flowers. Instead, the bouquet will be secured to the wet dog (from number #1) and anyone who wants it is going to have to chase that bad boy. Keep in mind at this point it could be snowing, not the mention the fact you would have to dodge my low flying birds of vulgarity. Also, the dog is an unmuzzled formerly abused pit-bull.

Honestly, I could go on and on with this wish list, but I sort of have a personal rule where I have to publicly represent myself as not necessarily sane, but certainly not crazy.

Enjoy the clip below; this is pretty close to what the royal wedding was like.

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