A “chugger”, or “charity mugger” is defined by the Moxford Sorta English Dictionary as an optimistic individual, armed with a clipboard, who attempts to steal your money through the socially acceptable guilt inducing medium of charity.
Chuggers can be found lurking in busy metropolitan areas. They don’t actively seek out their victims, rather like the proverbial troll who lives under a bridge, they pick an area that you must cross and simply lay in wait. Sporting a florescent vest/ jacket and hat combo, the Chugger is easily spotted usually brandishing a clipboard or binder. To use a subtle comparison, the binder is to the Chugger as the lighting bolt is to Zeus, or you know, as a sex tape is to the failing career of a Hollywood actress (no offense skanks).
Upon spotting the Chugger, you, the victim, are confronted with a limited number of options: either you can avoid eye contact and pop in your ear buds, or you can wait until the Chugger has pounced on weaker member of the herd, thus satiating its optimistic charitable lust, and providing you with a temporary window of escape. You may, if you wish, go with the third option of biting the bullet, and actually conversing with another human being who is volunteering their time to raise money for poor and illiterate pandas.
A Chugger confronts its victim with a fearsome facial display flexing the muscles near both ends of the mouth, thus mimicking a human smile. Then while gazing deeply into the very depths of the victims eternal soul, or possibly making friendly eye contact, the Chugger unleashes its imposing jungle roar: “Excuse me sir, but could you spare just a moment for charity please.” Like everyone else you’re just too busy to stop and chat. You have an important and active life, after all, that internet pornography isn’t going to watch itself. Furthermore, you simply don’t have the money to spare. How else are you supposed to afford your high speed, round the clock internet connection?
Now, this is going to sound made up, but I swear to whatever God(s) you think I may warship due to my ethnic appearance, this is true. Chuggers are actually a specific sect of fetishists who can only ever achieve sexual satisfaction by asking people in the street to donate to recognized and respected organizations. Thus, as citizens, it is our duty to approach and talk to these degenerates, and make those donations. If we choose to ignore our moral responsibility, these optimistic, philanthropic, horn dogs will take out their depraved erotic vengeance on society. So, the next time you see a Chugger, walk up to them, listen to what they have to say, donate some money if you can, and then look them dead in the eye and say, “I know this is makes you horny you pervert”
Keep in mind that whenever a Chugger looks confused or denies accusations, this is a sure sign of sexual climax.
Do not shake their hands.