Real Stalking From a Pro
NIPS— the National Institute of Professional Stalkers, have made their stance clear: they want the term “stalkee” to replace “victim.” They argue that over recent years the word “victim” has taken on a negative connotation thus hurting the reputation of stalkers. NIPS spokesperson, Jonathan Powerwank commented, “This will be a cold battle, but rest assured NIPS will stand erect!” Others argue that NIPS maybe squirting out the wrong kind of message. At any rate, stalkers everywhere are happy that NIPS are finally getting more exposure.
Despite the fact NIPS are going through this sensitive period, I was able to land an interview with the President of the association: Silvio Jigglespank. We discussed many topics including the contribution of technology to modern stalkers.
You have been a professional stalker for the last 45 years of your life. What contribution do you think technology has made to stalking?
Kids these days don’t know the meaning of the word “stalk!” Back in my day you would have to buy a ladder, maps, a telescope, a wig, and a suit that either looked like a mailbox or a bush. These days aspiring stalkers just go on The Facebook and click on a girls Halloween album. I ask you sir, where’s the challenge in that? Stalking is a specialized skill set that is built over years of being weird and creepy. If anyone can do it at the click of a mouse; it’s not stalking.
Would I then be correct in saying that you do not approve of the term, “internet stalker”?
The title “stalker” inherently implies stealth, and an intrusion of privacy. How can you possibly intrude on somebody’s privacy when they make all their information public! Secondly, as I understand it, the so called stalkee has to accept a request to be stalked. Not only are these “stalkers” asking for permission, but they can also be placed under certain privacy limitations at the will of the stalkee. It’s almost as though the people being “stalked” are asking for it.
You seem to mention mostly males in the context of stalking. Is the female stalker a myth?
Heavens no! To quote a very wise man, “plenty of bitches be craaaaazy.” I can assure that I run a progressive, equal opportunity organization of committed perverts. In fact, my wife is a stalker. And even after 40 years of marriage we still stalk each other around the house: hiding behind furniture, in cabinets, and under beds.
I think it’s really sweet that you’ve managed to keep the romance alive. How did you meet?
Funny enough, we actually met each other while stalking 2 individuals who happened to be in a couple. My wife was dressed as a mail box, while I claimed my anonymity by wearing a suit that resembled an Oak. Sufficed to say, by the end of the night, she received an unexpected branch in her main slot; that is to say our costumes were momentarily tangled. [sigh] She still makes the most adorable faces when she’s secretly watching others undress.
And on that note I think we will end our interview. I would like to thank Mr. Jigglespank for his time. Until next time, stalk safe and prosper.
