I’m not a Food Critic but...

Due to the nature of my current financial status I am often precluded from dining establishments that place a high monetary value on their cuisine. I’m broke son! No food critic has ever walked into restaurant and said, “You motherfuqers sellin’ any shit for under a five?”

I’m also not equipped with the linguistic tool box all top food critics possess. You need to describe food in a way that’s sexy and seductive with tiniest soup sont of condescension. I should explain to those of you not in haut monde that, “soup sont” is French for “a tiny amount,” and condescension is what I’m doing to you right now.

I have actually written one restaurant review in the past— just one. However, the language I used was deemed “overly sexual and inappropriate,” and thus it was never published. I have no idea what they were talking about. The language and tone were elegant and playful with a touch of cheeky sensuality.

Here’s an excerpt:

“…Come on down to Crazy Saleem’s Bargain Bucket Slop House and Shoe Repair! Saleem’s cooking is guaranteed to offer your mouth a gang-bang of flavours. His fried chicken is prepared using an orgy of spices and a veritable bukkake of fresh herbs. It’s so good you might just deep-throat the bad boy. Saleem is bound to turn any spitter into a swallower, and if you’re not satisfied, your shoe repair is 0.30 cents off…”

If you’re hungry after reading that paragraph, then you have more problems then the guy who wrote it.

It’s overwhelmingly apparent. I can’t be a food critic, but I’m not too disappointed. As William Shakespeare once said, “Dude, critics have not the faintest clue of what the fuck they are discussing.”

Instead, I’d like to be a food helper. I want to point people like me in the direction of affordable and tasty meals.

If you have any places you want to suggeest, here are my contacts.

iambillal@gmail.com

https://twitter.com/iambillal