Here is an example of how the phrase might be used today.

Person A: Wallahi bro. Sherlock Holmes is the greatest fictional detective of all time. Wallahi, Professor Moriarty has met his match. Wallahi.

Person B: Bro. Wallahi. Sherlock Holmes is no match for the often bumbling but ultimately efficient tactics of Inspector Gadget. Wallahi, Dr. Claw is a far better criminal than Professor Moriarty. No one is going to dare break a wa—LAW—hi when Gadgets around. Wallahi.

Person A: Wallahi, I see what you did there. lol. Wallahi, I just lol’d. Wallahi.

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In contrast to the Pakistani version of the greeting, Arabians may shaikh hands while alternately lightly kissing each other on the cheeks. This often leads to great awkwardness when Arabs meet Pakistanis. “Two kisses on the first salam? I’m sorry, but I’m just not that kind of Muslm.”

An “As-salamu alaikum,” said by the greeter is usually acknowledged by the person being greeted with a, “Wa alaikum assalaam” (pronounced: wah-lay-koom-aw-saw-lam meaning: and upon you be peace). Aside from having cultural variations of which we’ve touched upon, there are also differences in the formality of the greeting. Extended forms are considered more formal, while shorter forms are considered less formal. Many times this comes down to who you’re addressing, or how you want others to perceive you.

“Salam”This is like the, “sup” of the Islamic. Some would disagree. Thank god thy’re not the ones writing this blog.

“Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah” (Meaning: May the peace and mercy of Allah be with you).

The person who said this is no joke. They take their salaaming seriously— especially if they’re pronouncing each syllable slowly with a forced(or farced) “Arab” flavour.

“Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh”(meaning: May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you)

Don’t panic! But you have just been given the grand slam of all salams. If this salam were a detective it would be Sherlock Holmes. If it were a basketball team it would be the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls. If it were a 13th-century Persian poet, jurist, theologian, and Sufi mystic, it would be Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Balkhī.

The mega salam:

The mega salam is one of my own creation. It lasts for a full minute and largely consists of random Arabic tourist phrases to make it sound like you’re really in touch with Islam. Make sure to use it one people who DO NOT speak Arabic.

Ahem,

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh bikam hādhā, ayn al-ḥammām, nād ash-shariṭah, Ana bekhair, shokran, imshy ala tool, thumma ‘arrij yaminan, ḥawwāmtī mumtil’ah bi’anqalaysūn

Translation: May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you… How much is this, where is the toilet, call the police, I’m fine thanks, straight then turn left, my hovercraft is full of eels.

Do NOT under any circumstances attempt to use the mega salam in an airport. You will be tackled to the ground and your shoes will be confiscated, questioned, beaten and then SHOT!

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However, this was not the mans only offence. Bin Oopsalam-dhunkh continues, “He was also in possession of rugged good looks, deep penetrating olive green eyes that seem to say ‘come hither’, and a subtle yet playful Mona Lisa smile that cheekily whispers, ‘try and tame me.’” Religious police insist that the man in question could be a threat to women, and totally not men, who may lose control at the sight of him.

For the time being the man has been taken into police custody where the captain insists upon conducting a thorough inspection of his, “flawless well toned, marble— almost Herculean torso.” When asked if the man would receive a punishment, an official for the religious police suggested that it was quite likely the offender would be, “Shirtless, under the immense heat of the desert sun. Sweat dripping down his smooth, well sculpted back as he smashed rocks. Occasionally he would wipe his brow and pour icy cold water across his broad chest… the water would drip down his six-pack abs causing them to tighten further… ” The official representing the religious police continued, “You know, or something like that. Whatever. I don’t even care.”

Allahu Akbar (pronounced: Aww-Law-Who-Uk-Bur) is literally a term that means, “God is greater or the greatest” although usually it’s translated as, “God is great.” This Islamic Arabic expression is used in a variety on contexts including: as an informal prayer, to celebrate a victory, and to express determination.

Aside from being Arabic, which is frankly scary enough, this phrase is frightening because of the context and persons it has been associated with. When “Allahu Akbar” is shouted on a television screen, it’s usually by a man, who has formally rejected sanity, covered in what I hope is just mud, holding a burning anything (flags, toasters, tickle-me-elmos), shouting like someone just poured sand in the Vaseline. You could associate anything with this guy and make it unpopular. If tomorrow he became the spokesperson for the WWF (Word Wildlife Foundation) we would all, within a week, be eating panda tortellini garnished with Bengal tiger penis, served in the shell of the Galápagos tortoise.

The other negative context, “Allahu Akbar” has been associated with are Islamic fundamentalist terrorists who frankly make me so sad and sick my tears want to throw up. They usually use the phrase when they’ve done something horrible, when they’re doing something horrible, or when they’re about to do something horrible. They have, or maybe they’re in the process of, making “Allahu Akbar” the verbal Hitler’s moustache of the twenty first century.

In terms of the broader perspective, phrases and fashion are the lesser, trivial causalities of mass murders and murderers. Still, it’s sad. But, I think we should always remember that Islamic Charlie Chaplins exist, and that fashion, phrases and tooth brush moustaches are neutral things that are given context. And context— well context changes.

Constantly.

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Madrasa

Arabic

Arabs!!!

Middle East  

I can further reveal that Obama, while in America(which we have just established isn’t the Middle East), attended two madrassas as an adult, known as, “Columbia Univeristy” and “Harvard Law Madrassa.”

The word madrassa translated from Arabic to English literally means, “school.” Any kind of school: junior, senior, law, medical etc.

However, in defence of the people who were accusing President Obama of attending a  “Madrassa,” they were trying to insinuate that he was taught and thus tainted by antiwestern, islamic super jihad, hate, bomb, gun, LALALALALA, death-to-america propaganda.

This turned out to be an untrue fact.

Other Scary things Muslims say:

1. Mashallah

2. Halal

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Many deeply conservative right wingers assume “halal” is when Muslims fly model airplanes piloted by adorable jihadi hamsters into the mouths of barnyard animals. While this is not necessarily true, several Muslim groups have denounced the fictional jihadi hamsters stating that Islam is a peaceful religion devoid of children’s toys piloted by adorable, anti-western rodents. Despite the lack of evidence linking hamsters with Islam, several hamsters have been violently beaten by hate groups. Sadly, due to cases of mistaken identity, several squirrels have also suffered the prejudicial sting of such hate mobs.

Halal is essentially the Islamic traditional principle of what is permissible and what isn’t (haram). While the term actually applies to a variety of actions, we’re only going to be discussing how it relates to food. Why? Because, I can’t be bothered to read the entire Wikipedia entry.

Halal is actually a fairly malleable concept; however, there are specific food items that are explicitly forbidden:

Pork

Alcohol

Blood

Any animal that isn’t slaughtered in the name of God unless it’s seafood (drowning a chicken does not make it seafood)

So, if you’re a Muslim about to take a bite out of a pork and whiskey sandwich that you’ve in explicably covered in blood, you might want think twice— for several reasons.

If halal food isn’t available, a Muslim can always eat Kosher foods. And, as a side note, I should mention that animal rights groups have complained that the method of Halal and Kosher slaughtering causes excessive suffering to the animal.

Many Muslims take the concept of Halal quite seriously and will read the back of food items with all the focus of a child in the middle of a Harry Potter novel. Why? Well, candies that use gelatin may be derived from collagen or other constructed tissues from pigs. The PRM (packet reading Muslims) who discover this information often share their wisdom with fellow Muslims in a condescending, “I’m better than you,” tone. This common occurrence has led PRMs to be referred to as  PDTTUBWARYFMs (Please Don’t Talk To Us Because We Always Ruin Your Fun Muslims).

Saleem: Whatcha got there?

Musa: Oh. These are skittles.

Saleem: Oh. Hmmm. *tsk tsk tsk* *shakes head* Yeah. Well, those are actually haram. But you know, if you want to incur the wrath of the creator of the universe and risk an eternity of torturous, personalized damnation, I supposed that’s entirely up to you.

Lastly, many have questioned the hypocrisy of Muslims who will gladly do cocaine off the back off a topless hooker through the sunroof of a stolen car, but will refuse if the cocaine in question contains pork. These people lack the Islamic concept of, “common sense,” and are colloquially referred to as, “f***ing morons.”

We’ve joked around quite a bit, but I hope you’ve absorbed what I believe is the main lesson of this  post. Halal has NOTHING to do with jihadi hamster.

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Other Scary things Muslims say:

1. Mashallah

Sitara Hewitt

Welcome to the very first edition of “Muslims say the scariest things,” where I (@iambillal) decode the linguistic trickery of Muslims.

Many Muslims communicate to each other using sentences, and often times these sentences contain words. Now I have nothing against Muslims communicating, but sometimes the “words” they use are said in a scary, threatening, flag-burny jibber-jabber many liberal apologists have described as, “not English” or “Arabic.”

No doubt many of you with Muslim friends on Facebook have observed the use of the word, “Mashallah.” A word that is composed of both MASH!!! and ALLAH!!!! Frightening indeed, but what really does it mean?

Mashallah is an Arabic phrase usually used to express joy, praise, respect, and thankfulness at what someone else has just shared. The general translation of the phrase is, “God has willed it,” referring to a sentiment of humility that attainment and achievement are more than the result of ones personal effort.

Let’s run an example:

Person A: HEY! I just had a baby!

Person B: OMG! Mashallah

And let’s take a look at a slightly less appropriate example:

Female A: [Posts a picture of herself Facebook]

Male B: MAHHHHHSSSSHALLLLLLHHHHHH!!!! Gurl. You betta believe God willed allll dat! You is one fiiooone lukin halal huney.

I mean, yeah, the second example is a little bit inappropriate, but that is how my Mom met my Dad.

Words coming up for the next blog: haram and halal.

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Other Scary things Muslims say:

1. Halal

“8. If at ANY times any of the photographers ask you to do something that you are not comfortable with, please let them know that you are not comfortable.”

Honestly, I’m comfortable with most things. I mean, I don’t know a lot about modeling and photography, but I do understand some general principles. For example, I’m most likely going to have to act like a certain type of animal while the photographer paints in the details of an environment or scenario that modifies my behaviour.

Photographer: Okay Billal. Show me lots of heat. That right baby, passion— more passion! Oh yeah— you’re so hot. Okay, now I want you to pretend to be a big ferocious lion while the gazelle is  limping and helpless. Yummm! You’re hungry baby and this camera is your next meal. ROOARRR! That’s right, this innocent gazelle is all yours. Perfect! Crawl on all fours towards the camera. Oh no, that poor gazelle doesn’t stand a chance. Now tear off your shirt. *Click* *Click*

Ok, now roll in this pool of butter scotch pudding. Oh no, you’re clothes are getting a sticky. You should probably take those off. Lions hate sticky clothes *Click* *Click* —GRRRR

To help out the photographer who ends up shooting me, I’ve actually devised a scenario with an animal that I’d be more comfortable embodying: the pebble toad. Here is an example scenario:

Photographer: OK Billal. Now you’re a pebble toad of the genus oreophrynella possibly native to Guyana or Venezuela. And, the camera is a large arachnid that serves as your natural environmental predator. Now use your defence mechanism and tense your muscles while rolling into a ball, and pretend to fall down a cliff. That’s right baby, work that adaptive feature given to you by means of Darwinian selection! *Click* *Click*

Ok, now roll in this pool of nutella. Oh no, you’re clothes are getting a sticky. You should probably take those off. Pebble toads hate sticky clothes*Click* *Click* —Ribbbittt

I feel this approach would not only be more beneficial to the model, but in the end we all learn a little bit more about biology.

Understandably, the photographer may be uncomfortable using biological language, and therefore I’ve also created a script using elementary physics.

Photographer: OK Billal! This time you’re the valence electron of a sodium atom. You want to be released! Why? Because, you’re a naughty little charged particle who wants to join a dirty little fluorine atom where the two of you can form a hot and steamy ionic bond. Come on! Don’t’ be shy. You’re now a sodium fluoride particle with a stable electron configuration. Stop Niels Bohring me and pop your top off you electrostatic skank.

Ok, now roll in this pool of strawberry jam. Oh no, you’re clothes are getting a sticky. You should probably take those off. Negatively charged particles hate sticky clothes*Click* *Click* —Electron noise.